Is The Universe a Jerk?

Well. Sometimes I feel the Universe does not, in fact, want me to write. Too bad, Universe!

Here’s the short version: two days ago, while hanging out at the pool and right after I’d finished my previous blog post about wine and working and wine, I became suddenly nauseated and lightheaded. Two wonderful fellow residents helped me get into the shade and even fetched me an apple. I walked back to my studio, took a shower, and fell into bed.

I’ve spent the last 48 hours alternately eating and napping, wondering if the heat, direct sunlight, and low blood-sugar knocked me out. I can’t believe how much day-sleeping I’ve done. So I had accomplished no work since my last blog post. Boo.

Today I got up, felt stronger, and decided work will get done. I am stubborn. This is a thing you should know about me. I prefer to think of it as tenacious. I came here to work and be in the company of artists and I’m going to do that, dammit.

And I did! First, I started by pulling a card from my Literary Witches Oracle deck. I was looking for a little hope, or at least inspiration. Man, was I excited when saw the card I got:

I ADORE all the bunnies running around the residency grounds. I love them and they want me to keep walking and leave them alone. But I don’t care because of serious cuteness that I cannot ignore. I only want to take the occasional picture. Sorry, wild creatures. You are adorable!

The Rabbit (Bunny!) means that today my energy is focusing on “waiting,” “making leaps,” and “adventure.” I literally said out loud, “Thank you Universe! I needed cheering up and you came through!”

I started work. I made more progress on my manuscript, did some reading, and imagined yet another way to consider the arc of my story. Started it all out with some free-writing. I even set up the printer in my studio and tested it. I was on it. You might even say I was making leaps!

In the middle of writing a scene, I reached behind me to grab the printout of an older draft.

My chair bent backwards. Then it collapsed backwards. I yelled out as my head and back hit the carpet. Yes, the same carpet on which I’d spilled all the coffee grounds a few days ago before bursting into tears.

All, right so this is not the short version, really.

And just like the coffee grounds incident, I burst into tears again, for so many reasons.

1. It shocked the hell out of me
2. It fucking hurts to fall flat on your back on the floor
3. I was afraid that something would be injured and I’d have to go see a damn doctor which I do not want to do in the middle of my residency I see enough damn doctors as it is
4. WHY

You know all that talk about how the Universe (capital U intended) wants to be our friend? That the Universe is on our side if we’ll only summon its power blah blah blah? I’m pretty sure the Universe is a passive-aggressive prick that won’t let me just do something I want to do, just my own thing in my own small life. Jesus Christ, Universe, can I catch a break? You pulled me in with the Bunny then knocked me on my ass!

I slowly stood and ran my body through some diagnostics. Sight and hearing: check. Walking: check. turning side to side: check. Headache? Because apparently headaches are my hobby now? Check and check. Otherwise things were okay.

And I knew I couldn’t be seriously hurt because I was mad. Stupid Universe! Making me all falling and hurty when I’ve been sick already and just trying to write a few pages and GAHH!!

I (carefully) picked up everything that had fallen with me–papers, notebook, pen, glasses, the AirPods that I’d yanked out of my ears in frustration while still lying on the floor. No way was I getting back in that fucking chair (traitor) so I set up on the couch with my beloved bed desk and resumed working.

And I finished that scene, dammit. And I did some more reading. And now I am writing this post while drinking some cold brew one of the composers made! Cold brew rocks.

Also, I can tell I’m going to be in a little pain tomorrow. But I feel good because I did THE THING. And if the Universe is being all smug and self-satisfied because it’s thinking “Yeah, I knew if I tossed her out of that shitty office chair she’d do The Thing,” then I just want to say to the Universe, shut up. It was unnecessary. I was doing fine.

I want to say “I win!” but I won’t, because the Universe is a lot stronger than me.